I have always idolized great writers. As a child, I was both amazed by and envious of anyone that could use language to express themselves. My father, a man that really wants to be Hunter S. Thompson when he grows up, was ecstatic when he realized I enjoyed literature and writing and so was extremely encouraging throughout my childhood and teen years. I kept online journals from the age of 11 and wrote mostly about what I observed in the world. I received praise from teachers, peers, and even strangers for my work, but was disappointed in the lack of "real" criticism. I began submitting my writing (mostly poems, short stories, and essays) to forums for aspiring writers and I feel that my work became better, though looking back I can see that nothing I wrote was particularly great. I eventually became a bit embarrassed at how "average" the things that I wrote were. I felt that it was presumptuous of me to think that anyone would want to read anything I had to say. Though my work is technically good, I feel that I lack creativity. Now, as an English major with a concentration in education, I focus more on how to effectively communicate through writing (and of course the lessons that one can learn through stories/storytelling.) I still write as a creative outlet, but it is for myself, and I rarely show anyone what I write. These days I focus more on how to write for academic subjects. I hope to one day help my future students become great writers (or at the very least clear, effective writers) and hopefully show them how wonderful literature can be. I hope that this course can contribute to my career in education, but also I hope that I learn how to "let go" a bit more with personal writing, and help me overcome the insecurities I feel when I share my work. I feel as though literature is a huge part of who I am, but I would like to explore who I am as a writer, not just as a reader.
My comments to other on their inventories:
To Emily:
"Like you, my personal writing has been much more of a sporadic deal, rather than a daily activity so I'm really looking forward to get in touch with my own writing. I see that you appear to have some negative feelings towards "structure" within papers. I'd like to know how your experiences with "structural madness" affected your college papers."
To Kayla:
"I absolutely loved what you said about learning the "rules" so that you can use or break them to your advantage. Even though learning about structure and the organizational rules can be tedious, I still feel that it is really important that we learn them so that we can become better writers, especially if we intend to break the rules.
I was so touched (and impressed) by your spoken word poetry in one of our other classes and your hard work and passion really shows through your work. Thank you for sharing that.
I also feel as though I will be "in my students' shoes" during this class, and I can't wait to learn what works and what doesn't when teaching writing. "
Educational Autobiography:
My elementary and middle school school experiences were a blur. I remember feeling pleased at making good grades, but I don't remember anything signifigant from any of those years. I guess that those years set a foundation for my knowledge, but mostly what I remember is reading every chapter book I could get my hands on. I wanted knowledge, but the only way I wanted it was through words. I was active enough in class, but I liked the lessons I learned from my books more. I liked learning about how people felt emotions, how people dealt with problems in stories. The real life classroom just couldn't compare. I learned about the TOPS scholarship program my 8th grade year, and I decided I wanted to go to college. I figured that was where the "real" learning took place. Middle and highschool was just what they did with you until you were old enough to learn "real" stuff. (I don't really know where I got these ideas.)
It wasn't until half way through my freshman year in highschool that I realized that I was one of "the smart kids" in class. I honestly don't think that has anything to do with my actual intelligence, but more because my reading comprehension was just a bit above my peers in those days and I always did the "busy work" because I wanted good grades for TOPS.I made good grades, but didn't enjoy being in most classes. They were boring, and I despised the lecture aspect of most of my classes. All of my high school classes were traditional classrooms that used traditional educational techniques. I feel like I spent a lot of my high school classes reading weird fantasy books in the back of class. Because I made good grades, didn't cause trouble, and helped when asked, most teachers overlooked my reading in class. How crazy is that? I have no idea how I got through school. I appreciate how kind my teachers were to me, but because no one ever "pushed" or "challenged" me in high school, I became a very lazy student. I came to college with no idea how to be an active student in the classroom, and I had zero study skills. I mean ZERO.
I feel like I'm at a big disadvantage when I become a teacher because I don't have much of a "model" for great teachers. The teachers I had were not memorable, and none of their classes made much of an impression on me. I wish I had realized back then how much I would value my education and my high school experiences, but I honestly never thought I would need to look back. Now I am in school to become a secondary education teacher. I hope to make more of an impression on my students with my teaching methods than my teachers ever made on me. I had motivation to learn, but it came from sources outside of my classroom -books I discovered, people I talked to online, and what I imaged the "real world" was like at age 14, and my experiences I had with people I admired that were college educated.
Fear Essay:
Wowzers, what a topic. I guess I could start with the fear I am feeling at this moment, which is the fear I am associating with the risk of an unstructured writing assignment. Throughout my life, I have written with restraint and with a pretty rigid format. Even my "personal" writing was essentially my mimicking those that I admire. For the past year I have been working to make sure I put myself into my writing, instead of viewing it as some odd objective thing that is separate from me (even though it came from me.) This idea of injecting myself into papers, assignments, and poems in my classes is just so scary. This morning I attended a poetry slam in a Mckinley highschool class room. One by one the students got up, and though the topics were different, each one imitated the cadence, flow, and imagery one would expect from a spoken word poetry slam. The students had complete free reign over what they wanted to say and how they wanted to say it, and yet they still chose to imitate the way their poetry teacher read his poem.
As a future educator, this is a concept that terrifies me.
The power of influence this teacher held is obvious. Unintentionally, this teacher conditioned his students to think that there is a "right" way to express themselves. I fear that I will become this teacher. I fear that I will somehow condition my future students to think inside this tiny little box. It is a trap that I have seen many intelligent and passionate people fall into. I desperately want to be a good influence in the world, but there are many days when I sit staring at a computer screen or I'm reading a book and I'll look up and say "Oh god, I am too stupid to do this." The idea that I may unintentionally become a tool for a warped education system is infuriating. I need to get my foot in the door (get inside the system) and I know that for a few years I will be drowning, trying to figure out my place in the classroom. In that time, I will need to adapt to the ways of my school and mentor teachers. I am afraid that I will lose myself, and forget that I want to be a tool for change, not a tool that perpetuates oppression.
On a much more personal note (warning- rant about depression and my upcoming wedding ahead)
I fear that one day I will wake up and relapse into the depressed, anxious, unmotivated person I was two years ago. For most of my teenage years, I lived a life that was really controlled by fear. Eventually I got better, started finding a purpose, and then one day out of no where depression punched me in the mouth and I was back to reading terrible fantasy books and avoiding people. I know that this is not me anymore, but I still can't help but fear that one day I will wake up and not see the point anymore and I will just stay in bed, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and not speak to anyone. I fear that this time my fiance won't be able to help me, and that I will lose myself to depression. I want to be a person "worthy" of life, and of the love and compassion I receive from my fiance. I worked really hard to overcome these issues, and I really feel like I'm "better" (or at least more equipped to deal with the negative thought patterns, compulsive thoughts, and the "bad" parts of my mind.) The strangest part of this is that I do not fear getting married in two months and I do not fear the vows I will make. Though there is still a tiny bit of fear, I embrace the idea of forming a lifelong union with my partner. I think that it is a good sign that I can acknowledge and share these fears with my partner, and that we have enough respect for each other to talk about these fears. Once I realized how serious my relationship was (at about the 2 year mark,) I felt all kinds of fear about potential marriage, and then losing the freedom I would have as a young, single person. Eventually (4 years into the relationship) I realized that my relationship did not hold me back in any ways, and in fact the love we shared made me a stronger, more confident person. I can still travel the world and follow my dreams, except now I've got this smart, handsome guy to experience it all with. The only "real" fear I have about this marriage is that I'm having a wedding in two months and all of our family is invited. I am putting the most insane (literal, certifiably crazy) people I know in a room together and hoping that they can put aside their differences for one day and be happy together. That's really the only part I fear about the wedding. So far everything has been planned so smoothly. I really hope this isn't one of those "calmest before the storm" moments in life.
Written on Thursday:
I just got back from observing at Mckinley again. I'm trying so hard not to get discouraged about my career choice. I am having such a hard time imaging myself in a classroom. Today, the students had to take the edusoft standardized test. This is a district test that each 11th grader had to take. It went terribly. I felt so bad for those kids. As soon as they read the prompt, there was a visible shift in attitude. They had no idea what the prompt was asking for. My mentor teacher reread the prompt, and they still had no idea what they were supposed to write. They moved onto section II, and they were confused again. They were reading E.E. Cumming- a poet that is not even in their curriculum. It was just a huge mess. I wrote this in one of my spare moments:
Standardized Tests
Sitting stiffly in the desks
biting their lips
crossing their brows in frustration
their hands in their hair, on their faces
comforting themselves the only ways they can.
They say "We don't understand."
and she says "I know"
so she reads the prompt again
and they just stare at her.
and I want to laugh
because it feels like a joke
but no one else laughs,
so I just sit quietly
while they sit stiffly in their desks,
clenching pencils in their fists,
and trying their best not be
stressed
or worse,
bored.
I feel like this might be my future. Administering stupid tests and slowly resenting education.
Inventory: Writing about our fears
Writing about my fears was tough. It's a hard issue to articulate in the first place, and then there was the added pressure of "oh god, everyone is going to see this!" I felt pretty vulnerable even attempting the assignment. I thought for a long time about what I wanted to write, but I felt that many of my fears were a bit too personal to share with the class. It was interesting trying to find some type of "goal" within expressing my fears (meaning trying to find what I wanted and possibly even needed to share.) After reading everyone else's essays, I felt guilty. I had censored myself whereas others had bravely bared their souls. I read some beautiful essays. I felt honored that other people had shared so much. When I tried to "rewrite" my essay, nothing special happened. I just couldn't find it within myself to write it all out. I have had a really hard struggle with depression and self expression (even in its most basic forms like normal conversation) and so I still feel like the essay is asking a lot of me. I'm working on it in my personal journal. This assignment made me do a lot of reflection about trust and self examination.
One of the best parts of the assignment was the fact that the professor posted as well. It broke my expectations of a writing class. I so rarely have professors or teachers that write alongside the class.
Final Inventory of Writing Experiences:
Online classes: I loved this class format. The best part is that I thought that it gave everyone a chance to express their thoughts without the pressure of saying it in front of a large class. Those students that have amazing ideas, but are just hesitant to insert themselves in a large discussion really thrived in the online portion of the classes, but there were also some great "in class" discussions. I also liked having a record of the conversation that I could read. I learn much better by reading. I sometimes have trouble retaining information given to me through a lecture or even just said out loud. The only advice I could give is to make sure that all modules, videos, and chat rooms are working and that the students know where to find them. Sometimes it was hard for me to find certain chapters or videos.
What I may have learned about writing:
- You can't write wrong. If you are attempting to express yourself through writing, you can't be worried the whole time that you're not writing "the right way," because there really isn't "a right way."
- Formulaic writing can be extremely oppressing to the student.
- As a teacher, I SHOULD be writing along next to my students. My students will respect and appreciate it.
Feelings about writing: At first, everything I wrote for this class felt forced. However, because the class was so relaxed and the "essays" did not have so many restrictions, things began to feel like a conversation. I didn't feel guilty for leaving a one line response or pressured to write at length about things I didn't understand. I felt that many things that I have learned in this class has altered the way I approach writing. Before, my writing has been boring and formal, and now I am working on inserting myself into my writing. Life has gotten much more interesting since I started foing that.
Writing in other courses: my perception on the use of writing in the classroom has shifted. I really question the way we teach writing, and how we have students write in the classroom. I have begun to care less about the grades I'm receiving on my academic papers. They don't seem important anymore. I feel like it is all so subjective. I've made A's on academic papers my entire life. This semester I attempted to break out of my formulaic writing, and have received C's. That being said, I feel like I have made huge progress in regards to self expression and articulating my thoughts as if they belong to me (instead of belonging to my professor or a textbook.) This seems invaluable to me, but what do I know? I am currently in school to enter into our education system as a teacher. I find that my goals as a teacher are changing. I'm not sure if my place is in a public school classroom anymore. I don't like the restrictions we place on student's writing. I hate it. I don't think it's a good way to teach students how to write.
Letter to my (Future) Self:
I am currently 14 days away from turning 22, and I am 26 days away from becoming a married woman. I am battling extreme cynicism regarding the education system, but I still want to become involved in education and in guiding students to articulate their thoughts. I am not sure that we are effectively doing this with our current system of education. Right now I am a procrastinator with some decent ideas. I love gooby dog, Michael (I call him Huckleberry Husband Man- he calls me Ron,) and my favorite writer is Tamora Pierce, though I have many "almost favorites." I plan to read Infinite Jest this year. Raven, I swear to God if you haven't read Infinite Jest by the time you are reading this, I am going to punch you. QUIT PROCRASTINATING SO MUCH.
Predictions for the future: Working in a school district that is not East Baton Rouge Parish, finally bought a persimmon tree for Michael, and have been out of the country a few times. If you haven't taken that road trip around the country yet, I hope you take 21 year old you's advice and DO IT NOW. Dad just had a heart attack a few weeks ago. You don't want something to happen before you manage to at least Hunter S. Thompson your way through the continental US. I hope you still cherish Michael like you do now. He's doing great in his Math classes, and you're super proud of him.Don't forget how hard he is working for us. I hope you still write. Remember the micro poems? Remember the time traveling dreams with Charybdis and Scylla? Write that out!
I hope you're doing all right. Are you still friends with Vivianne? Do you still go to Cherokee Rose? How was the wedding? Is Obi okay? Did you get another Betta (Smauggy just died this week) ? I hope you keep in touch with Anna. Did Michael's Hair go full on grey yet? Did you let michael buy a house or a trailer? Are we still rednecks? I hope so. I hope your first year of teaching is better than you are imagining it right now. Really truly. True as toasted toads. I hope you find it in your heart to love yourself and your writing.
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